


it always seems to fall in through

by advancinginreverse



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Set in Season 1, but it's unintentional, hugh culber is the best, i love my girls so much, joann is a supportive (girl)friend, keyla has ptsd, so far they are not dating but perhaps. when i write more they will be, this is why i have the graphic violence tag yknow, yeah i know it goes a bit against canon but in my defence i wrote it before most of the s3 episodes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27830047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/advancinginreverse/pseuds/advancinginreverse
Summary: Keyla isn't doing so great. Luckily, Joann is there to catch her when she falls.or how keyla finally gets the help she deserves.set during season 1 initially, i don't know if i'll find the motivation to write more but i hope i do. i love keyla and joann with all my heart and i've wanted to write about them since season 1.
Relationships: Keyla Detmer & Joann Owosekun, Keyla Detmer/Joann Owosekun
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	it always seems to fall in through

Keyla rises from the table, carrying her tray over to the synthesiser to be recycled, when she sees her.

Her hair is different - longer - and much more unkempt than it had been when Keyla saw her last, her eyes are colder (no, not colder, more lifeless) and she's wearing a harsh orange jumpsuit, but it's her.

Michael Burnham.

Just one of the faces that's haunted her for six goddamn months of her life.

Keyla looks away awkwardly, keeps on walking, but her mind's rapidly becoming a cacophony of questions and memories and thoughts that she's wished would leave her alone every day since the Shenzou. Keyla's breath quickens as she slams down the tray and presses the button with shaking hands (when did her hands start shaking?) because she has to get out of this unbearably crowded room before she tips over the edge.

She makes it down about five or six corridors before her legs give out and she curls up against the wall, desperately trying to remember how to breathe. Automatically her hands goes to the left side of her head and her fingers brush the cool metal - that shouldn't be there. Why is there still metal in her head? The doctors had taken it out, hadn't they? They had, she was sure of it. So why did her numb fingers feel something cold? They must have missed something on the operating table, stupid Starfleet doctors, but if she leaves it there it won't be good, will it? She had seen plenty of people fall victim to infections, remembered the first aid course she had taken long ago at the Academy-

"Keyla?"

She can't talk now, she needs to get this stupid metal out of her head. It could be doing permanent damage right now, she could-

"Keyla? You're bleeding."

Someone grabs her wrist.

Keyla starts, realises she had been touching her head. There's blood on her hand (just like there was all over the bridge, like Georgiou's body when they beamed her back-) and she can feel something trickling down the side of her skull.

Where is she?

This corridor is bright and familiar - but it isn't the Shenzhou. She's on a different ship now, she's....on Discovery, Keyla realises with a jolt, and someone is staring at her with gentle concern. It's her roommate.

Joann.

"Are you alright?"

It's those simple words that open the floodgates, and Keyla starts sobbing. Her hands are still shaking so much but Joann's steady hand encloses her own and she grips tight. Everything is too busy and bright, but her friend's hand is like an anchor and she does her best to focus on the contact, like a sailor clinging to a shipwreck in the storm.

Eventually her vision clears on one side as her tears stop (her left eye couldn't produce tears any more , not since her implant) and she notices Joann is now sitting next to her, glaring at some officer walking past who's looking strangely at the pair sitting against the wall.

Joann notices Keyla coming back to reality and moves back into her line of sight. "Is it alright if I put pressure on your head? It's just you're bleeding quite a lot." Keyla nods carefully, not trusting herself to speak, so Joann unzips her uniform jacket to tear a strip off and presses it gently but firmly over her head. "Can you hold that to the wound for me?" Mutely, she moves her hand up to the cloth and Joann slowly takes hers away.

"Alright, do you want to stay here a bit longer?" Joann asks tentatively. "We will need to go to sickbay eventually to fix your head, though." She squeezes Keyla's other hand reassuringly.

"I- can we stay for a bit?" Her voice is quiet.

"Alright," Joann replies, and she settles down next to Keyla, tying her uniform around her waist.

They sit there for a while.

"I think I'm ready to go now," Keyla says slightly awkwardly after a few minutes and Joann nods. Luckily, she isn't shaking too much any more - though she still feels pretty rattled - and sickbay doesn't sound like a horrible idea. She's becoming more aware of the ache in her head, which at least won't be so bad after Doctor Culber's sorted it out for her.

They start walking slowly towards the medical bay together and when they enter the turbolift, Keyla has the courage to reach for Joann's hand again. She can't quite explain why, but she feels safer when she's with her.

___________________________________________________________

Doctor Culber gives the two of them a look and a half-smile when they walk in, which dies on his lips when he sees the dried blood on Keyla's hand (and face) and Joann's torn jacket. He springs into action immediately, ushering them towards the nearest bio-bed and signalling the on-duty nurse for a dermal regenerator. 

"What happened?" he asks as he carefully takes the fabric away from Keyla's head, wincing almost imperceptably at the angry red streaks on her skin. Joann looks apologetically at Keyla.

"Well- I'm not too sure, but.. well, I found Keyla in the corridor and her head was bleeding. I think she was having a panic attack," she says quietly. Keyla looks down at her hands in her lap (they're still shaking, but only slightly).

"Has this happened before?" Culber is looking at her now, having moved into her field of vision. She nods. He frowns.

"There isn't any mention of previous panic attacks in your medical file - haven't you told anyone?" he asks incredulously as she shakes her head.

"They've always happened before when no one was around," she admits. "I didn't want to bother anyone. Plenty of people have them round here." Keyla wishes she hadn't agreed to go to sickbay now: too many questions. She should've realised.

Joann perches on the bed next to her and her hand finds its way into Keyla's. She smiles reassuringly, but Keyla realises with a jolt that there's concern and pain in Joann's eyes (concern for her, pain for her). This is her fault. Her breath hitches.

"Keyla - Keyla, look at me," Culber says gently. "It's alright. No one is angry at you for not mentioning this before, but I am upset because it means you haven't been getting any help with what you're clearly going through. Didn't they talk to you at all while you were at Starfleet Medical?" (Recovering from her injury and new state of disability, she notices he doesn't add.)

"I didn't really talk about it." Keyla squeezes Joann's hand. "Eventually they just deemed me fit to return to duty, since they didn't find anything wrong."

"That's going to end here, I'm afraid," Culber says. She tenses. "We don't exactly have a counsellor on board-" (there was no way Lorca would've allowed one, since he thought they were a waste of space, she thinks wryly) "-but I'm going to brush up on my psychology and we could start meeting once a week, see how things go? If nothing else we can just have a nice conversation. If that's alright with you?"

She nods slightly.

"All right then," he smiles. "I'll send you a message later on about scheduling, meeting times, but I promise it's not going to be anything really formal. Just a talk between friends, if you like."

He starts healing her wound when she nods again and Keyla lets out a shaky breath, leaning slightly against Joann.

_________________________________________________________-

Once Culber has finished, Joann walks her back to their quarters. They walk in companionable silence - still holding hands - and Joann doesn't ask her a single question. For that, Keyla is grateful.

The door to their quarters swishes open and Keyla immediately grabs the blanket that she keeps neatly folded at the foot of her bed, wrapping it around herself. Joann sits down on the edge of her own bed.

For a few minutes , they simply take comfort in each other's company. Then Joann asks if she'd like to watch a film. Keyla likes that idea.

"We should probably change out of our uniforms, then," Joann suggests with a smirk.

"Your uniform isn't even wearable," Keyla replies. "You ripped it up, remember?"

Joann pulls a face at her and she laughs. It feels nice to laugh. Then Joann throws a pillow at her and she starts giggling, throwing the pillow back across the room.

"We should actually get changed, though," Joann says, a smile in her voice. "Any movie ideas?"

"I don't mind," Keyla says as she pulls on one of her comfy jumpers. "Nothing too loud though, please."

"The Lion King?" Joann suggests. "I've heard of it, but I haven't seen it."

Keyla smiles. "The Lion King sounds good."

"Alright then," Joann says as she rifles through her drawers and takes out two bags of popcorn. "I've been saving these for a bit, and now seems like the perfect occasion." She curls up on her bed and pats the space next to her. "Come over here - you'll see better." Keyla gets up carefully, padding over.

"Computer, play the Lion King - original 2D edition, 1994," Joann says, and the screen lights up in front of them. As the opening credits begin to play, Keyla realises something. "Aren't we going to be late for our shifts?"

"I asked Doctor Culber if he could give us our next shifts off, so we're off duty for a while," Joann grins. "Don't worry."

Keyla nods slowly and settles back onto the bed. She's so nice and warm and Joann's presence next to her is so comforting that as the movie plays onwards she finds herself gravitating towards her roommate, resting her head on Joann's shoulder. Joann shifts so that Keyla is more comfortable and she closes her eyes, letting the smell of the popcorn and the flickering lights wash over her.

Keyla falls asleep, curled up in the protective embrace of Joann.

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from la jolla by wilbur soot. i wrote this a while ago and havent found time or motivation to edit and upload it, but i drank a monster at 10pm for no reason and now it is 1:30 am on a school night and i speed edited the entire thing (which took a while since i initally wrote it on paper) and am uploading it. might have been better if i had done my history essay instead but yknow, i finished it!! hope you enjoyed, any feedback is appreciated so much. i love to get constructive criticism so i can improve my work (please dont feel obliged to though!! i really dont mind, the most important thing is that you enjoyed reading). have an amazing day/night!


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